diet coke for breakfast

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Posted by Matthew
I haven't seen "The Core" yet but kind of want to. I figured there'd be lots of silly psuedo-science going on which is always fun to make fun of. Anyway, I got this in a Newsletter from a fantasy author I've read and it cracked me up. -Matt

WHEN I GO TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH by Tracy Hickman and family

Having just emerged from the hilarious sci-fi comedy called ‘The Core’; my family had not even reached the car in the parking lot before we began formulating our own maxims regarding Earth-saving deep-earth vehicles and expeditions. Government contractors please take note!

When I go to the center of the earth... equipment will be fitted with an analog throttle so that I can actually control the speed of the descent. I will not be satisfied with a simple switch that has only two positions: Stop and Full Speed Throttle to the Wall. Even my blender can do better than that.

...I will place all the critical components ... especially those regarding safety and emergency procedures ... with access hatches INSIDE the ship. I would recognize that it would be foolish to put any actual controls that can be hand activated in a place only reachable by passing through magma.

...If, for some reason, I actually MUST leave the ship to perform some action on behalf of the mission, I will put on MORE THAN ONE thermal suit instead of the obviously insufficient single suit I was issued. My mother use to make me wear more than one sweater under my parka on cold winter days ... why not take a little extra protection against the heat?

...I will take along extra atomic bombs. I believe there is no such thing as ‘just enough’ atomic weapons when the safety of humanity is concerned. They are manufactured in bulk so why not pack as many as possible into the casing?

...and my ship’s hull has the inherent property of converting heat energy into electrical energy, I will be smart enough not only to know that BEFORE I go on the trip, but will wire the ship for this second energy source BEFORE I go ... thus avoiding unsightly last minute jury rigging.

...I will take backup nuclear reactors because the primary nuclear reactor never works out right and ... as with the weapons above ... you can never have too many redundant nuclear power sources on such a trip. case I need to handle fissionable material, I will take along gloves ... big fat ones.

...I will refuse to take whining, self-absorbed scientists, madmen or a French man holding pictures of his wife and child on the mission. I will take United States Marines who say ‘HOO-ah’ a lot and are all about getting the job done. I WILL, however, still take Hilary Swank.

...I will not start my mission by dropping myself vertically from a dangerous height into a deep ocean trench. I will start digging slowly in the middle of some desert somewhere ... especially since I’m carrying extra atomic weapons. (See above.) Besides, when you’re going to the center of the earth, what’s a couple of extra miles of crust going to save you, really?

...I will hope that the top secret government facility in Alaska that is built to cause earthquakes will at least have a more believable looking design. A world power should not design their top secret devices to look like Klingon battle symbols. It’s just too embarrassing.

...I will leave instructions with the government to rush trainloads of Orville Redenbacher’s Microwave Popcorn to the Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco so that when the hole opens in the ozone layer, the exploding popcorn will dissipate the heat energy... and provide a delightful treat for the survivors to snack on. I would recognize that this scheme makes as much sense as the rest of the science in the movie.

And, finally, when I go to the center of the earth... and I find myself in a derelict ship on the bottom of the ocean floor and I’m lying next to Hillary Swank waiting for the oxygen to run out... I will think of something better to do than just TALK about it!


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